Sayonara Slackers

Sri Lanka to Expel Slackers

June 17, 2007 (TASS) - In the latest twist, after evicting 'loitering' Tamils, and deporting foreigners without visas, Sri Lanka has decided to expel so-called "Slackers".

Slackers are young, mobile 20 to 30 something persons of Sri Lankan origin, most of whom have lived, worked or studied abroad at some point, and have now returned to Sri Lanka "to have a good time, but do no real productive work, and add no value to the country" the island's media spokesman said.

Defense Spokesman Keheliya Rambukewella said "These slackers come to the country claiming they are here to work, when in reality they are only here to party, eat in beautiful restaurants, and are ready to decamp to a luxury boutique hotel at the drop of a hat".


Keyboard Warriors

Most Slackers are also known to be highly active in the internet blogging scene. They are accused of spending hours debating frivolous topics with little logic or argumentative reasoning, whilst at the same time upholding themselves to be the champions of the liberal elite and defenders of Colombo Cool.

They can be spotted on the internet, engaging in vicious comment wars using narcissistic nom-de-guerre's. Some are defenders of free speech, some are defenders of the government, other blog about human rights and some about Colombo restaurants. The common theme - "We are keyboard warriors" says one. All have highly stylized viewpoints are a ready to go into internet battle whenever an offending view is posted. No one and no topic is spared their trenchant keyboard wit, be it Colombo traffic or Colombo dating.


Pettah Junk

Clearly, all these slacking takes place during working hours. Victor Perera, the Inspector General of Police, is not amused. "These people do no productive work whatsoever. Other countries import highly talented engineers and IIT scientists. What do we get? We get people who take photos of fruits and vegetables and post them on Blogger. These people take us for fools." said Victor Perera.

In addition, Sri Lanka's central banking chief, claims these Slackers add no value addition to the economy, and instead their high salaries and Slack lifestyle consume ever increasing amounts of precious foreign exchange. "People must realize that they are like the imported junk watches in Pettah Market - they look good, but do nothing" said Ajith Nivaard Cabraal, Head of the Central Bank, adding that its a crime to waste foreign exchange on these Slackers. “and this is the reason we had to recalculate the NEER and REER – these figures were getting skewed by these slackers"


Business Class

At the moment, all Slackers are being registered and kept in a temporary holding facility at the Lotus Business Class Lounge in Katunayake, which the government has dubbed Camp Lux.

Jean Kouchner, head of Slackers Sans Frontiers, appealed to the civilian population to help them in this crisis. "These Slackers are not like you and me, they need the best food, the best parties and the best business class lounges - without these amenities, we have a real fear for their well being". Reports are coming in of the Belgian Government preparing an emergency airlift of Business Class seats - in the eventuality that the Slackers will end up being air deported.

So far, the government is tight lipped about the deportation destination, but a sources close to the IGP said they would be sent to Singapore, so that they can finally learn "to teach them a lesson on how good they have had it in Sri Lanka. Its a holiday camp here compared to the kind of work they will have to do over there".


Lifestyle Refugees

Prime Minister Ratnasiri Wicremenayake defended the Government's action, claiming "Sri Lanka is a country of hard-working toilers, to work hard and support the Nation is glorious. We have no room for Slackers in our workforce. " Prime Minister Wicremenayake however insisted Slackers' lifestyle needs such as multiple A/Cs and wireless broadband would be provided for the deportation duration, "we are a responsible Government, and a Government of all Sri Lankans, even Slackers, and will therefore meet their needs". The ICRC has also agreed to run four emergency convoys of iced-coffee (with a hint of brandy) to Camp Lux.

But none of the Slackers we spoke to want to go to Singapore. Many have historically worked in other cosmopolitan locales like Hong Kong, London or Zürich - preferring to instead make a beeline to the slacker climes of Colombo.

Said one defiant Slacker: "I don't want to go to Singapore. I am in SL for lifestyle. Where else but in Sri Lanka can I can work 2hrs per day, drink sweet tea for 2hrs, and then head home for a nice nap before catching some fusion Spanish / Japanese / Lankan tapas at the new Colombo Casa and then on for some funky jazz at Tramps? They work too hard in other cities. I am a lifestyle refugee.".


Lighting Up Sentosa

Opposition leaders, however, are claiming that Sri Lanka should not deport these Slackers, "we should instead rehabilitate them into being productive workers, - that is the only way we can become the next Singapore", says UNP Leader Ranil Wicremasinghe.

Indeed, it appears Singapore has a technologically innovative plan to generate value, literally, from these Slackers. The Singaporean plan, according to Singapore's Minister of Worker Rehabilitation, Minister Kwoon says that Singapore will "extract the hot air inside these Slackers and use it to power a special wind turbine on Sentosa Island to light up multi-coloured lights." Singapore plans on using these vast amounts of hot air generated by Slackers as a major power source, obtaining carbon credits as an added bonus.

The Singaporean Engineering Department posted on a press release that "this is the next phase of urban development. Stage one was land reclamation, now we are moving onto human reclamation. This will rank as a landmark global engineering project." Minister Kwoon added, "This is not an easy task. After all, these are huge egos we talking about."


Slacker Nation

Despite the Government's claim that Slackerism is contained to a few bad apples, some have a more philosophical attitude.

An analyst at Jane's Slacker Weekly, sums it up "The whole nation is defined by Slackerism. Look at their independence movement - other nations fought with tooth and nail with guns and satyagrahas. What did Sri Lankan's do? They slacked off." The theory, according to Jane's, is that the British Imperial machine had one key weakness - it relied on the majority of their subjects desiring hard work in return for self-betterment. But if everyone wants to party, then nothing works. In the face of monumental the monumental Slackerism of Ceylon, the mighty Empire shuddered to a halt. "The British could not work with an island of all slackers, so they just decided to wash their hands off from the whole enterprise."

Indeed, a historical evaluation shows that that Sri Lanka's so called Independence Movement leaders slacking it off with the cream of the Empire during the 1930's and 40's. Dressed up in resplendent British military costumes or elegant Saville Row suits, their minds of Ceylon's 'finest minds' were clearly on the next party, rather than the next Political Party.


By the Slackers, For the Slackers

Some say Slackerism is also at the root of Sri Lanka's governance problems. "What other government in the world has been unable to build more than 3 feet of railway in 60 years? What kind of government takes over 15 years to build a 20 kilometer expressway? Totally slack if ask me." asks an exasperated non-slacking citizen.

We interviewed one Slacker about to be taken to Camp Lux, forlornly packing his Nokia N95 which he had just used to post a picture of a pothole under the caption 'Colombo Pothole'. He said, "Deport us? that's the biggest joke - the biggest Slackers in this island are the Politicians! This is a government by the Slackers, for the Slackers".

It is hard to deny that the present Government has engaged in large public displays of slackery. The President is currently addressing a the International Labour Slack-a-thon in Geneva, and this is the third such travel slack-fest in the last 12 months, including a major 60 person party at the ICC Cricket World Cup in the West Indies (sources close to the ICC have applauded the Sri Lankan governmental delegation for taking the "carnival of cricket" slogan to its literal conclusion).

The government's political allies, the socialist Marxist JVP party, are however, not so happy. Their spokesman says "We are not against slacking per se. But we believe that there should exist an equality of slacking for all under a unitary framework. Why should it only be Colombo bloggers that are allowed to party? The common people want to join in". Most political observers comment that this is disingenuous on the part of the JVP, for in Sri Lanka "public or private sector, everyone slacks off. The difference is that in the private sector, the instruments of slacking are LCD screens used to surf the internet and nice views of the Beira, whereas in the public sector, employees slack off using much humbler means such as the thrice daily tea break."

One government employee, however, who is definitely not slacking, is the President's younger brother, Gotabhaya Rajapakse. In the last 18 months, the younger Mr. Rajapakse has been busy dismantling past institutions of slacking, including the Cease Fire Agreement and several large sections of the Sri Lankan Constitution.


Fab Cake

Paikasothy Savaranamuttu, head of the CSA - Centre for Slack Alternatives, decries the de-generation of Sri Lanka's Slacker society. "The key measure of a civilized society, is the number of Slackers in our midst. These people, by their sheer in-aptitude for hard work are a beacon for other hard-working nations across the third-world - that they too, one day, can be Slack Like Us".

A foreign diplomat based in Colombo says "Slackers want to have their cake (preferably Fab) and eat it too. They see the whole of Sri Lanka as one big delicious Fab chocolate cake, which can be enjoyed after lunch, with afternoon tea or after dinner. They really have no one to blame but themselves for their overindulgence."

As night descends on Camp Lux, the Slackers remain defiant, the soft clacking of keyboards and the flashing of camera phones, demonstrating their never-say-die attitude. Says one "you can take the Slacker out of Colombo, but you can never take Colombo out of the Slacker".